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The Weight And The Cost

by Be Well

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1.
Scattered amongst the wreckage Memories and moments are left here in tatters It only makes it sadder To think that at one time I thought that it mattered at all It’s okay, I’ll bend but won’t break Until one day I don’t wake up I’m lost in the lesson again Surrounded by shards of my confidence And it feels like the walls are closing in The silence is salient I’ve lost track of the days Lost track of the ways that I fucked up everything I’m not sure that I’ve learned anything I’m afraid I’m hopelessly lost in these measures without meaning I’m crying out desperately why can’t you hear me? I’ve lost my sense of feeling Please double check that my heart is still beating Today I’m okay, I’ll bend but won’t break Until one day I don’t wake up I’m lost in the lesson again Surrounded by shards of my confidence And it feels like the walls are closing in The silence is salient I’ve lost track of the days Lost track of the ways that I fucked up everything I’m not sure that I’ve learned anything I’m afraid Please tell me it’s not too late I hope one day I can change There’s something wrong, I know there is Because my head is fucked up again I’ve always had these thoughts, I was just not sure what they meant And yet I can’t seem to get them out of my head I hope there’s an answer I haven’t found yet I’m running out of strength They are calling for rain Baltimore, you get lonelier everyday I’m anxious and I’m afraid that it may never change I just feel further and further away I am barely awake Surely I have tried to self medicate I know that the cost will be a new kind of pain I just wish I knew another way
2.
Magic 03:35
If I could count to ten Open my eyes and have it all start over again Take back all the things I said, that I never meant And I prayed that one day you would forget It’s fucked up in my head I say things I don’t mean and moments later I am filled with regret I wouldn’t blame you if you left, it probably makes more sense And I deserve to be alone I hide it well, I’m like a magician But it haunts my thoughts, keeps me lost, and it blurs my vision I lie awake, totally afraid Of all the thoughts in my head and the things that I’ll never face There’s got to be a better way, but I’ll drink enough to put it off for another day A fresh coat of paint, the broom swept emptiness looks like a new place We just covered the stains, they’re not gone Sorry I led you on, I’m not brave, I’m not strong I am barely hanging on At the end of a rope and most of my hope is gone Please take this bitter pill, and know my dear I miss you still Your flowers have begun to wilt, my love It wasn’t a momentary lapse So many things in my past that I can never take back Slipping slowly and failing fast Is there part of me that’s always going to make you sad? Let’s stop keeping track Of all the things that you know that you need that I’ll never have Please don’t be mad, when I’m gone Sorry I led you on, I’m not brave, I’m not strong I am barely hanging on At the end of a rope and most of my hope is gone Please take this bitter pill, and know my dear I miss you still Your flowers have begun to wilt, my love Even when it’s sunny there’s a chance of rain It’s followed me, everywhere, everyday I left a note and I signed my name It will be on the kitchen table when you wake I gave it my best shot, but I could never see straight and I got lost I hate it so much, is too late now? For me to learn how?
3.
This silence is blinding, I’ve got to run far away And the only reminder of me will be my name on a rooftop in paint I hope it’s not too late, there is pain still inside me, I grew up feeling afraid Of the thoughts inside my head and what everyone else must think The light inside me slowly fades There is distance and division between who you loved and who I am today It keeps me frozen here in place It’s ok, there’s nothing to say, I knew the ending all along When I was a kid I let it define me, please don’t grow up that way Four weeks in a hospital and not one friend even came My heart still breaks, you don’t need to remind me, all of the ways I could have done better, could have been stronger, should have been brave The light inside me slowly fades There is distance and division between who you loved and who I am today It keeps me frozen here in place It’s ok, there’s nothing to say, I knew the ending all along Can I change still? I promise you that if I can that I will I love you to death Your’e the reason I have strength for breath Here I am clearly not at my best, I’m sorry if I let you down I wrote down the words I couldn’t say but today I feel like at last that it might end differently Staring down at all these words on the page How long have I been so lost and what was the cost?
4.
I won’t lie, I’m a mess I have better days, but now they seem to happen less and less There are things that I can’t get out of my head These thoughts are an aggregate I hope will never set Because I can’t find the answer I know that I’m loved, yet I feel so alone I hope there’s a chance for me to learn To love myself a way that I don’t Deep inside, locked away Etched are a set of frames I cannot escape Maybe in time the images will start to fade Darkness is a barrier and I’m barely awake Because I can’t find the answer I know that I’m loved, yet I feel so alone I hope there’s a chance for me to learn To love myself a way that I don’t Here’s everything I know in tiny little pieces I don’t have much to show, but I am happy to see you though My heart beat starts to slow, yeah I know that I’ll need it My roots replaced by invasive vines, I am longing to feel alive
5.
I’ll fuck it up, I’ll swing and miss I’ll look alive and struggle to see it I ruin relationships, so don’t cast your lot with a sinking ship Is there a trick for dealing with this emptiness? I’ve got to know, I feel so alone, and every time I get it wrong I’ve replayed the scene with a compulsivity that keeps me from sleeping I’m reaching my bottom now Morning light, make it right Because I am desperate to feel I’m fractured, I’m haunted, I’ve got skeletons in the closet I’m drowning here in my regret And the blurring lines between my heart and head Is there a trick for dealing with this emptiness? I’ve got to know, I feel so alone, and every time I get it wrong I’ve replayed the scene with a compulsivity that keeps me from sleeping I’m reaching my bottom now Morning light, make it right Because I am desperate to feel Here I wait, silently, at the bend right before the break You’re not wrong, I’m not strong I never was, but I wore the mask so you could see what you wanted to I don’t think you get that in my head I am so sad Morning light, make it right Because I am desperate to feel
6.
I’ll do my best to try and answer the question Because it’s keeping me up, it’s wearing me out, and I want you to know When I was your age I was already a mess I look at you now and I’m not sure how that you’ve grown up so strong If I had known that it would hurt this bad To wake up, I’m not sure I would have It breaks my heart that it makes you so sad And to think of the life that you probably could have had If I had known that it would hurt this bad To try to make sense of the thoughts in my head I’m running out of words, and for those that I’ve hurt I’m not who I wish I were I’m distant, longing, absent, and vacant A goodnight kiss, how much have I missed, I might never be sure My thoughts are buried in a box in the basement You’re just a kid, you shouldn’t have to forgive me for the things that you’ll learn My beautiful girl If I had known that it would hurt this bad To wake up, I’m not sure I would have It breaks my heart that it makes you so sad And to think of the life that you probably could have had If I had known that it would hurt this bad To try to make sense of the thoughts in my head I’m running out of words, and for those that I’ve hurt I’m not who I wish I were In the blink of a moment, I feel the weight and the cost Of years desperately hoping, when I was so hopelessly lost As the night falls and days pass, I am filled with regret Oh, how I wish I could say that I could make sense of the thoughts in my head I’m anxious and aging with things that I have never said
7.
Please help me find the words because I don’t have an end, I’m lost here again What I wanted to say now doesn’t make sense And the thoughts in my head are deafening I tried my best to pretend, I’ve said plenty of things I never meant Now the inks dry in my pen and I’m alone here once again It’s been with me ever since I was young I stopped picking up the pieces because I can’t feel what I’m feeling, I am numb When everything is right it feels wrong Now you seem so far away when you’re here right next to me I’ve been awake for what seems like days, counting, and counting, and counting in vain Slowly retracing the look on your face, your disappointment, my sense of shame Time is slipping now fast, there’s fleeting hope that never lasts Staring at old photographs there is a stranger that is staring back It’s been with me ever since I was young I stopped picking up the pieces because I can’t feel what I’m feeling, I am numb When everything is right it feels wrong Now you seem so far away when you’re here right next to me Darkness flowing through my veins ever so slowly now I wish I could change, but I don’t know how With each passing day I feel further away Lost inside my head with all the things that I could never say My heart breaks as I lie in bed wide awake Please don’t try and save me With each passing day I feel further away From the person that you think you love and I know that I’ll never be Please don’t try and change me Slowly it’s staring to suffocate me, It’s getting harder for me to breathe
8.
Frozen 02:47
Please help me forget, I’m drowning in regret And the place in my head that I need to get hurts better than this I am frozen in your frame I am paralyzed and can’t escape My reflection leaves a stain That you can’t wash out and you can’t erase Don’t look away, this is what I look like everyday Please help me forget, I’m drowning in regret And the place in my head that I need to get hurts better than this I have gotten good at digging graves The part of me you loved I’ve locked away My reflection is turning grey Is it too far to reach or am I just afraid? With all candor, I’m loved Trust me I know it, but I can’t feel it all It’s like a cancer, I know Since I was young it’s grown, and grown, and grown I don’t know where to look, don’t know where to turn I don’t know where to go So please help me forget
9.
Aperture 03:37
I’ve been afraid to admit How dark of a place that I have been in I’m hopelessly lost while trying to mend Red eyes now face the wind Words scribbled on a page reflect the state that I have been in An imbalance of faith and serotonin Here I am, like before Anxious and insecure Something has felt wrong Inside of me since the day I was born Here I am, like before I’ll try to find a way but I’m afraid there might not be a cure I hope I’m wrong, but I’m scared that you’ll hate me for it when one day I’m gone I’ve adjusted the lens The aperture is slowly letting the light in again But the comforting sense lacks permanence Please grow up self assured, and never hide who you are my beautiful girl As I drift further away from the shore Without an oar or an anchor Here I am, like before Anxious and insecure Something has felt wrong Inside of me since the day I was born Here I am, like before I’ll try to find a way but I’m afraid there might not be a cure I hope I’m wrong, but I’m scared that you’ll hate me for it when one day I’m gone I’ve lived my life paralyzed by the questions That I’m too scared to ask What you see is a mask I am still haunted by things in my past It breaks my heart that it makes you so sad How long with this feeling last? I’m awake, lying here all by myself with thoughts I can’t escape
10.
Longing 02:42
There is an echo that is building in my head Feeding back in time are words that were never meant to rhyme I’ve seen the evidence The canvas drips with loneliness It’s haunting, but it draws me in I long for light to fill my heart I am desperate but feel Like if I can survive tonight then I’ll learn to start To want to live and heal Pick me up, pull me in I just want to feel again It’s a chemical imbalance, yes I know It doesn’t make it hurt less though, it’s paradoxical With each breath I feel more alone I long for light to fill my heart I am desperate but feel Like if I can survive tonight then I’ll learn to start To want to to live and heal Can I begin again, I’ve wanted to believe in a different end But there are days when I can’t even find the strength to get up Can I begin again, I’ve felt like this ever since I was a kid Trust me I know that it is all in my head, but it still feels fucked All these thoughts I can’t make sense of Can I begin again, I wish I had your confidence But there are days when I can’t even find the strength to get up
11.
I don’t know where to run, everything feels so wrong There’s man with a mask in my home, kneeling in front of a confessional I only know a few chords, and a lot of mixed metaphors It’s hard to think I’m responsible for even myself, much less this girl No light came at dawn, and I am barely holding on The shutter snapped and it froze the frame, but I barely recognize my face I only know a few chords, and a lot of mixed metaphors It’s hard to think I’m responsible for even myself, much less this girl One day I’ll be better, I hope that you never Feel as lost as I do today It changes with the weather, It’s the worst in November My head swirls as the colors change I drown it in alcohol so I can sleep I’m not strong, no not enough To wake and face the morning sun Unexceptional, completely and totally forgettable Maybe it’s not rational, but nothing makes sense to me at all I know it isn’t fashionable, but I wear it so well One day I’ll be better, I hope that you never Feel as lost as I do today It changes with the weather, It’s the worst in November My head swirls as the colors change I drown it in alcohol so I can find a way to face another day There is a storm cloud outside that I can’t ignore The water’s rushing in through an open door Slowly it rises I can still breathe, but I have to be reminded That my heart is still beating and this feeling will pass It can feel defeating, but it never lasts And through a different lens the glass is half full in fact, I got it But there’s a storyline that is only in my head I’ve spent half of my life wishing I was dead If there is part of this that I shouldn’t have said, I’m sorry To fix it I have to get back to the place it first started

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released August 21, 2020

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